Private Time Toys

Somehow I don't think you will decipher the true story by the title.  This is one of those stories that are the nightmares of the most polished of mother's.  But, for the run of the mill, yoga pant wearing, messy bun on top of the head, mac & cheese mixed with boogers and cookies permanently encrusted on the shoulder of all your clothing...yep, you will totally get this story.  Not that it doesn't stop you  in your tracks the moment it occurs.  But once you read the full on story you are going to be nodding along, "yep, I almost peed myself too when it happened to me."

Much like the status of any ragged mother who isn't sure if it's Sunday or Thursday today, I do not have private time.  I'm not even quite sure what that means really.  I envision it as something along the lines of sitting in a hot tub surrounded by rose petals in my water as I soak in a bath with Sarah McLaughlin playing in the background.  Maybe on the radio since it would be insanely weird, and not really conducive to the whole "private time" mentality if she is physically standing in my bathroom for my own personal private time concert.  But, like I said, I'm not quite sure how the private time thing works.  At best, I'd be happy to sit on the toilet without an audience.  I hear they do that somewhere...maybe.

This lack of private time means that I am not even fazed when, while taking a shower, miraculously by myself, my 6 year old bursts into the bathroom with gusto.

What can I say...I'm a mom.  Being barged in on, it's par for the course.  I imagine one day my children will come to realize the social decorum that they are required to exert with other people also pertains to me.  But, as all of you with children know, there is nothing that is not considered as the utmost of dire emergencies when mom is actually doing something that does not involve her full attention on the kids.  Hence the lack of private time protocol...because when mom does have "private time," dad putting on Toy  Story 3 instead of the very first Toy Story like was requested is of the utmost dire emergency and must have mom's ultimate authority and attention.

Another thing to note, you will never find this kind of utter disregard for social protocol when dad is in the bathroom.  It just never happens.  There will never be anything in the world that can't possibly wait until dad's done.  A full on fire could be consuming the entire house at this exact moment, and the kids will leave dad to do his business and finish.

Back to my interrupted shower.  You know, the one I am totally unfazed with because...well, I'm a mom.

Now, just because I am unfazed by my children's lack of decorum when it comes to mom, that doesn't mean that I am not exempt from those bug eyed, heart stopping, breath taking moments that kids throw upon us pretty much on a daily basis.  And that is exactly what this moment was.

"Mom, how come some mom's have private time toys for private time?"

OMG!!!!!  My arms frantically start clumsily flaying out from my sides as I try to find my bearings before the heart attack and stroke that I am sure I am experiencing right now overtakes me and I slip and fall in this shower and add in a broken neck to the list of fear inducing ailments.

I try to compose myself as best as I can as the soap from the shampoo starts burning my eyes, wondering where on Earth this is coming from.

I clear my throat in an attempt to make sure that I do not sound like the scared little 2 year old I feel like, and instead present myself as the cool, calm, collected, "ain't nothing fazing me" mom.

"Private time toys?  I'm not sure what you mean honey.  Where did you hear about these private time toys?"

"From daddy."  He says this as if it is the most natural thing for a father to tell his son about so-called "private time toys."

At this point I am ready to go on a Momma Bear rampage that would bring down the house.  Navy Seals would avoid me.  I am now the deadliest predator known to the entire animal kingdom...a pissed off mom!!!

Somehow I manage, through gritted teeth, to stay calm, cool, and collected.  "And what did daddy tell you about these private time toys?"

"You know...that they say poop and pee."

Hmmm, I'm beginning to think my mind and my son's inquiry are not running in the same direction.

"Mom's private time toys that say poop and pee?"

"Yeah, you know, like Marlee's baby toy with the potty.  The one you don't like."

And so I am left with the utter embarrassment, thankfully that I am only aware of, that my initial thought was WAY off from what was really being asked.

And, with that, I leave you with the more appropriately worded real question:  "What is up with the insanely disturbing Baby Alive that has a potty?"